Feeling like I need someone to push me.

I'm feeling rather low lately as I deal with the sickness of my father.
You know the little girl who was supposed to have grown up years ago( that would be me)
has suddenly come back..I guess every little girl comes back when her dad is doing poorly.My tears will not stop and my memories of my childhood flood every space in my mind. I want to make all of this better for him but I can't. All I can do is stand at a distance. I want him to be better so that the dream I had of him one day making things right between us would come true, but I'm afraid I would be surely disappointed. The years have come and gone between us and there have been no words spoken that has righted the wrongs. I had convinced myself that he surely just does not care but I will not believe this.
I'm feeling rather tired of dealing with death. Not knowing if when the phone rings if it will be "the phone call".I just keep climbing up in my Heavenly Fathers arms and he keeps whispering in my ear that He is in control of everything and that He will push me. .