Keeping it real in the midst of life( my journal entry)

My heart continues to be heavy over the loss of my father.

It's like the flood gates of my mind open and all the memories come
gushing out.
I went to see him one last time at the funeral home, they of course
said I shouldn't but I knew I had too.
He didn't look at all like my dad.
The one who loved to aggravate me and call me prissy.
The one everyone said has the "best personality".
The man who couldn't swim but made sure all of his kids could.
The dad who loved to help less fortunate.
The dad who on his final days gave me his last words of wisdom.....

"Moderation everything in moderation".

This coming from a Alcoholic and smoker. I guess he realized a little late.

He had let our kids borrow his GPS system and Tucker brought it to me tonight and
said "Mom it smells like Pops". I took in the smell and sure enough there he was.

He shows up like that in small ways.
A song,
a picture,
or swinging in the swing he bought me.
I don't mean for my mind to go there it just happens
and then you remember that he is gone and there is nothing else, the story has been told and like it or not the final chapters have been written. You're left with a crappy ending.

I grieve for so many different things when I think of my father.
I grieve for his loss... he was 4 months old when he lost his dad.
His mom babied him like crazy, they say, and she died when he was 8 years old.
He went to live with his sister who was only 22.
Four brothers showed up for her to take care of...when her mom died, she was newly married and pregnant herself.
Daddy was angry for losing his mom and never seemed to stop being angry at God.
He made poor choices and lost almost everything because of those choices.
In the end he had only a few people to mourn him...

He pushed so many people away.

I grieve for his missed opportunity's to get to know my children.
I grieve for my children not getting to know their pops..
I grieve for my fathers addiction to alcohol.
This addiction was ugly and abusive and it's grip on his life lasted until the final days.
I grieve for his little girl who never could fill in the blanks for him...Only the Lord could do that..But I tried.........