Brown Bear, Brown Bear what do you see?

Hair tossed

Pajamas on

Laying in bed

passing these winter days

reading books....

Brown Bear, Brown Bear what do you see?
I see

a Daddy's Flower

looking at me!

Learning to live a year later..

My emotions are all over the place.

Tears and the need to be alone in the midst

of a full house don't mix well.

I pull my jacket on and feel myself

walking to meet my son who is not

with me here.

He's not where I'm walking either

but somehow meeting him where

I left him last is a comfort.

As I walk I remember the painful days that

we endured almost a year ago.

My heart remembers it all

and I cry tears so big that

I wonder if perhaps they could

fill an ocean.

The pain, the rawness of losing

someone who was meant to be here is never

far from me.

My walk stops me at his feet

and I gently open the jar that

I have hidden there for the past year.

I slowly unscrew the top

of a years worth of emotions bottled up

in that jar. My personal record of

how I trusted and doubted at times.

I read the letters that I wrote to him

a week after his death

a month after

ten weeks after

and they go on and on..

I have to read every one aloud

to him as I sit in the cold beneath the

biggest tree on the property in the quietness

that drew me here.

Tears stained the writing in some places and my

thoughts that are written so immensely private

that sharing them out loud makes

me look around to make sure I'm alone.

The words are painful but healing.

The words are the truths that

I kept from everyone about how

I felt about losing William.

The words explain how I died

along with him in someways.

How I shall never heal completely until

I hark heaven's door.

My voice out of habit said "I trust you Lord."

The trees have heard me say that thousands

of times. "I trust you Lord" was said over and over

in the first days.

I wrote another letter and as I wrote it

the cold breeze sent the trees swaying

like they were dancing around me and I sang

"Blessed be the name of the Lord.."

as I walked back to the fullness

of my house.. where the Lord

is teaching me to live

until

.

He gave me flowers ♥

The voice was heard coming in the front door.

"Mama! Mama!!"....

My heart stopped for a split second

because it was a voice I don't hear

very often..

Jo's voice.

He was running from room to room

calling his mama..

I met him

and he said

"Mama! Flowers!"

and he handed me the most

beautiful arrangement

of flowers you have ever seen.

Hand picked and selected by him

to give his mama..

Oh I love those flowers..

They are now sitting

in the middle of my kitchen table.

Although

I'm sure their some kinda stink weed.

but

I loved hearing his voice more.

It has a ring of Africa that

I can't explain and the way

he says my name

had me running to meet him!

Thanks for the flowers Jo.

Thanks for being my little boy!

You gotta love boys!

Just to make you smile

Waking up to these two beauties

makes me want to shout...

These girls are such a delight to

be around.

Happy, loving, and cheerful

is how I would describe them..

Adoring, fascinated, and

totally in love with these two

is how I would describe me...

All in a days work...

She made muffinstaught piano lessons

gave a couple of shots to our ailing goat






not to mention

feeding babies

changing diapers

making meals

taking pictures

Preparing her to be a wife and mother
is all in a days work.

We work together.
We go to bed exhausted.
We wake up doing it all over again..

She is learning to work hard,
and get dirty,
all while enjoying
being a woman!


I'm thankful to spend
my days with you Tay
and I enjoy working
along side you.


These are days we shall not soon forget!

It looks like we're adopting again....

It's a girl!

Her name is Lucy.

She weighs 2lbs

She was born along with her brother on Feb 17th.

Her brother was strong and big.

She was frail and weak and about near death when we found her.

We milked the mama goat

so she could have the first milk that

contains colostrum.

We kept her by the fire as I gently

fed her with a baby bottle.

We didn't know if she would make it.

Usually the first 24 hours will determine.

The boys slept by her all night long.

The morning light would tell if she

was a fighter or not.

The next morning she was stronger

and quite friendly.

We tried to reintroduce her to her mama but she

cannot keep her body temperature up when

she goes outside.

So being the family that

we are, she will stay inside being warmed by the fire.

We will feed her and love on her until she

is ready for her world.

This is God's way of teaching my children

how to be loving and caring.

Staying up all night to make

sure a baby goat makes it.

I could have missed this opportunity.

I was too busy..but I'm glad I didn't..

If you know me at all you

know I never would..

I love ways to make my children grow..

Waking up after a loooong night

and the smile on their face

when little Lucy gives them a kiss..

I'm thankful for this little goat named Lucy.

She brings out so much love

from my strong, rough guys....

So welcome to the farm Lucy bug.

Remembering to praise Him through the long nights.

Their breathing, shallow.

Their smiles, gone.

Their forehead, hot.

I drove off our farm

with the mothers instinct

that something was just

not right.

The girls had to go in

the hospital. Their little

bodies fighting something

bigger than I could fix.

A prayer...

A friend who gave her socks to

my cold feet...:)

A friend who fed my family at home.

A daughter who stood

all day and night along side

me and her sisters.

Phone calls from all our friends..

A drop off of food

and goodies from

Nana....

A houseful at the farm with

daddy keeping the fort down..

I lift up my heart in gratitude to Thee

for this day's happiness..

Not tomorrows, but this days.

Finding joy in all things:

For the mere joy of living,

For all the sights and sounds around me.

For arms to hold the sick, comfort

them and whisper in their ears.

For the sweet peace of the country and the pleasant

bustle of the town.

For the comforting beeping of machines

that let you know they're breathing.

For roads to walk and the strength and endurance to walk it..

I thank you Lord for the restored health of our little

girls.

I pray you were glorified.

Enjoying some quiet prayer time..

Together at last..

First class ticket out of here.

Headed home to the farm...





Home with daddy at Last..

His arms waiting!


Channie giving the thumbs up
that her sisters are home and well.




Jo said he wasn't taking any chances..

Lessons from the farm..learn to make bicuits

My hands are in dough again.

I pull the familiar dough bowl

out from underneath

and start working on whipping

up some biscuits.

The virus has run it's way through

my home and left me

with tired and grumpy children.

I knead my dough.

I know they'll eat every last one

I put out even if they say

they're not hungry.

The smell alone will cause them

to stand and linger in my kitchen.

These little ones that I'm entrusted to.

I will feed

and I pray mamma's biscuits will

bring you back to full health once again..

I smile a smile of knowing them so well.

This is motherhood at it's best.

Amish home-made biscuits

2 cups all purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup of homemade mayonnaise

1 cup milk

1 teaspoon sugar

Caring for the sick at the White house

Oh, my beloveds, how I hate to see you down.

No laughter, no feet running to and fro.

Fevers, cough, and headaches, a part of my

daily bread.

Thanking the Lord for comforts that

I can offer to my kids.

My bed

My time

My love

not to mention

Motrin

Popsicles

Movies

A warm place to lay their sick heads

with their brothers and sisters

who are also sick

Going by and kissing their hot

heads and telling them

how very much I love them

Looking forward to

tomorrow when my

Love is returned.

I missed his drawings today.

I missed his smile...........

Stopping what I had planned and

doing what God commanded

Taking care of the least of these.....

Holding Channie until her fever went down
Her body hot against mine.
A sweet time to send a prayer up
on behalf of my kids on behalf

of my house-hold.

Looking forward
to a new day
when
Lord willing
my home is
loud again...




"When Trouble or heartaches or sickness come....
trust in God and do the next thing."

~Caroline Anne Dunwoody

I had more than my share.

The notes left for me everywhere.

On my bed-side,

In my bathroom,

By my coffee in the morning.

Sometimes hand delivered by a

precious five year old.

I sure feel loved

and cherished by my

sweet kids and hubby.

When the day comes that

I find no more what a sad

day indeed that will be but I will

save the ones I have and post them

all around me to remind me I had

more than my share and so much

more than I deserve.

I usually leave them where I find them

as long as I can.

The one above has been on my bathroom

door for almost five years.

The paper yellowing,

the words faded only in it's ink,

not it's meaning.

Good days and bad days I have

read these words and continue to

read these same words everyday.

Words that remind me that

even when I don't feel very

loved I am.

Rainbows and sunshine

on the pictures he draws.

He and I walking through

it all with a smile.

Thank you Lord for the daily

reminders of love, family,

and sunshine even if there isn't any sunshine

to be seen.

The Diary of Sarah Chandler

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting here under this oak feeling

the wind blow and knowing that

I have to go soon.

My time is so little my own

but I wouldn't have it any other

way. There's always something to

do and someone to do it with. It's just

sometimes I want so desperately to be alone

with my thoughts and so I drift just a little

piece through the pasture to my tree and

dream. I dream about all kind of different things

but mostly about Steve Chandler.

I have to admit I feel like a silly girl with silly notions

but try telling that to my heart.

I miss Viola so much.

I haven't seen her but once since the wedding.

I still can't believe she married when she didn't even love

him really. Pa told me that love would come

for them. He said it would sneak in one night

and they would fall deeply in love over time.

He said "Sarah, love doesn't have to hit you

over the head."

I'm sure my sister will be happy but

she hardly knew him.

Yet, she was raised to be a mans wife and he was raised

to be a husband, so you get married and you work it out.

Pa said love will come and I believe him.

I'd rather not wait on love to come,

if it hits me first though, and it has

hit me hard.

Pa and Ma have the kind of love that could have only

been made through time. Love snuck in their house a long time

ago

and their hearts beat at the same time, I do believe.

Ma gets mad at him from time to time but she is always the first

to say "I'm sorry". She said it's her job to respect him and honor

him and so that's her way of doing it.

Pa has said that it's a mans job to make a woman feel cherished and

protected and mama is one of the most cherished women I know.

I hear the dinner bell

I will save my thoughts for another day.

The first entry from the Diary of Sarah Chandler

found under the oak tree on Kornegay Rd.

Dedicated to Chandler White

One, two, three, four, five...

Once I caught a fish alive.

Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

then I let him go again.

"Why did you let him go?"

"Because it's ten below"

I know you've got them..

Friends who will do crazy things with you just because..

Friends who will stand out in the cold for an

adventure of the strangest kind.

How about ice fishing?

The cane poles bobbed in and out of the icy

water and came out with some of the

finest fish around.

We figured the rest of the fish were frozen to the bottom. :)

Jeremiah was the winner for catching

a nice looking beauty and he

received a fishing trophy. :)

Yep, you gotta love friends that aren't afraid

to hold babies,

To dress up like super hero's,

To wipe up a little spit up :),

to have a 'stress-free' dinner with

their 13 kids and our 8,

And to pile up like puppies and watch

a movie.

A spooky movie at that..

Yep, these kind of friends are hard to come by.

(sorry about the sideways picture, blogger wouldn't let it upload!)