Learning to live a year later..

My emotions are all over the place.

Tears and the need to be alone in the midst

of a full house don't mix well.

I pull my jacket on and feel myself

walking to meet my son who is not

with me here.

He's not where I'm walking either

but somehow meeting him where

I left him last is a comfort.

As I walk I remember the painful days that

we endured almost a year ago.

My heart remembers it all

and I cry tears so big that

I wonder if perhaps they could

fill an ocean.

The pain, the rawness of losing

someone who was meant to be here is never

far from me.

My walk stops me at his feet

and I gently open the jar that

I have hidden there for the past year.

I slowly unscrew the top

of a years worth of emotions bottled up

in that jar. My personal record of

how I trusted and doubted at times.

I read the letters that I wrote to him

a week after his death

a month after

ten weeks after

and they go on and on..

I have to read every one aloud

to him as I sit in the cold beneath the

biggest tree on the property in the quietness

that drew me here.

Tears stained the writing in some places and my

thoughts that are written so immensely private

that sharing them out loud makes

me look around to make sure I'm alone.

The words are painful but healing.

The words are the truths that

I kept from everyone about how

I felt about losing William.

The words explain how I died

along with him in someways.

How I shall never heal completely until

I hark heaven's door.

My voice out of habit said "I trust you Lord."

The trees have heard me say that thousands

of times. "I trust you Lord" was said over and over

in the first days.

I wrote another letter and as I wrote it

the cold breeze sent the trees swaying

like they were dancing around me and I sang

"Blessed be the name of the Lord.."

as I walked back to the fullness

of my house.. where the Lord

is teaching me to live

until

.