Dear Diary,

I did the whole pumpkin patch thing today, this time in the pasture on the other side of the pond. It's getting to be where I would never leave this place. This earth that holds all that's dear to me.

I piled the kids up in the old red truck and slowly made my way across the property. I had already went and bought pumpkins and set them in the field so when we got there they were super excited. I glanced over at William's grave and for a moment I wondered what his little tow headed self would have looked like running for a pumpkin?

I can't help thinking that my life and my children's lives are going by way too fast. The ordinary has passed for my older two. They are thinking of bigger things than pumpkins and I'm left with a picture with two of my babies missing from it. I'm not sad because when your prayers are answered concerning certain things it's a blessing, but there's still change and with change it seems to always be hardest with me. I don't know, I don't do change very well, Lord. I like the everyday..... cook, clean, school, the trips to walmart and the library. But real, honest to goodness, change takes me a while. As the clock ticks in my life I like change less and less.

sigh....

 



 Oh, the moments slip right through. I seriously looked at her boots today and thought,

 "next year it will be another pair and then one day her boot days will pass and she will move on to something else".

Note to self: Keep those boots. I don't want her to out grow them.

 I love seeing her slip those boots on and run to check for baby rabbits.

No teeth and a tangle full of hair..and no baby rabbits today. 

The little ones growing up right before my eyes. What can I do to make sure they know how I feel about them? What emotions come over me when I see her smiling into the same camera that once held a little girls smile the same way? That little girl grew up and she never looked back like I do.
I can still see her heaving a heavy pumpkin into the backseat of my car with a grand smile on her face.

 

Years later I live in deja vu....

 



Oh, Lord... help me. I'm doing the only thing I've ever loved. I'm doing the only thing I know. How do I go to the next step? How do I parent when I don't know what the next step holds?  The one thing I, as a mother, am supposed to do was.. and is.. to teach them to love the next thing. Help me also Lord to love the next thing.

 

 The next step..

 

Now I must do the next thing and to be honest, some days I just want them all small again.

  

 But...

I'll do pumpkins and I'll do candied apples. We'll bob for apples and laugh when they get water up their noses just like Tucker did.  I'll take really cute pictures and all the while I'll remember I've done it all before. I just have to remember they haven't. I have to redo it all so they will have the memories. So I'll have the memories.
 
They too will continue their growing and I will continue my journey waiting until it's my time to pass the baton to the very last one. I feel myself changing so much, how could I expect the winds of change not to reach them?

 The breeze grabbed her hair and sunbeams danced through the trees. I snapped pictures and laughed and enjoyed this pumpkin day more than the rest I believe. Because as I looked around two were missing and I know it will only be a matter of time until pumpkin day is a memory held only on these pages for them to go back and laugh at. Does everyone parent like this? I do believe I'm crazy. Every moment an opportunity to express my love as if at any moment that opportunity could be snuffed out. I live within myself with the motto no regrets. I don't want any! So I live on high alert. I must be crazy. Yes, I believe I am. I'm trying with the Lord's help to change a generation of regrets.
    

sigh...

 

 

 No regrets when their faces light up just by carrying a pumpkin





 

 no regrets in making sure they remember 

 

no regrets in buying pumpkins and hiding them in the field in the tall grass of the pasture

no regrets with a little browned eyed girl who loves her cowgirl boots.

no regrets to having open doors

 

 no regrets with crazy boys that sit on the land that holds generations of their ancestor's memories

 

 

 

I must go cook supper and read Go Dog Go again..I have actually memorized that book.

I must put my apron on and sing and dance to the music in my kitchen.

I must pick up crying little girls with bumped knees, check math problems, take the old red truck out for the sunset, set the table and kiss my man when he comes home and all the while

keep the biggest secret ever.....

They're all growing up and one day pumpkins won't be such a big deal to them either.

 

So today while pumpkins still make them giggle I will giggle with them.

 

Pumpkin Day 2012