A True Knot

The day she was born was the day that God showed out in a big way.

Another daughter after 13 years.

The doctor told me to push and then he screamed for me to stop.

He was noticeably very upset and I remember crying saying, "whats wrong?"

 and then I heard her cry.

Her sweet little lungs filling with air.

The doctor reached up and handed her to me and said, "God was with us today".

Channie-Mae had a 'true knot' in her cord. The doctor had never seen one that ended with a good outcome and wouldn't talk about it...

he didn't have to

We all knew what he was thinking when he said "I can't talk .. it could have gone  real bad today".

I held my tiny baby and cried and a part of me changed that day.

No more living just an ordinary life

He had given me a miracle

and I was not going to forget.  

I whispered (and continue to whisper, actually yell),

"Thank you, Lord, for saving her."

I tell her the story of her birth often. I, well we,  treat her  like the miracle that she is. We always have from that day March 30, 2006. 

My little girl with the missing front teeth is 7 years old this weekend.

The little person who ripped my heart open and cleaned it out so that

I could love deeper. She made me more vulnerable to the world because I knew that she was just like me and I knew that the little girl inside of me who didn't have a father and didn't have the security of a home grew now somewhere inside of Channie Mae. God gave me another childhood through her eyes. A happy ending.

I have often told myself this was the little girl I was supposed to be

brave

happy

loving

loyal

secure

helpful

She is all of those things and more.   

God healed a generation through her.

Me

My heart healed through all my children but Channie Mae living out and loving so huge was like having open heart surgery.

Being healed of the past, being healed of wondering what if, being healed of any doubt that my Heavenly Father adored me.

Growing up with the boys in her life has given her such a sweetness.

They have carried her when the road was hot or her feet hurt. They slept with her when she was scared and held her hand when she needed one.

They have never been allowed to treat Channie harshly and that was because of this man.

Her daddy

He regards his daughters as the precious gifts they are

and if I were a boy I wouldn't mess with him concerning them.

He has no tolerance if someone hurts Channie Mae's feelings.

He is her protector and that job description has only gotten more detailed 

as he's gotten older.  So when I say our guys are gentle with our girls

I'm not just saying that, he makes it happen. We don't have fussing and fighting

among them. The boys will rough house but I'm talking mean spirited, tearing down each other. The boys know if one of the girls is crying there's going to be a trial and if you're found guilty....it's not a good thing.

I wonder if all dads taught their boys to love their sisters like that

what the world would look like. What homes would look like?

What the little girls would look like?  

 I wonder if all little girls could trust their daddy to defend them

and honor them and in so doing teaching them that all men, all boys

should honor them and all the little girls in the world would grow up strong  

and healthy and never give herself to a man just to feel loved or wanted. She would already know her worth and she would know her value.

I pray that Chandler-Mae never forgets the hours he has spent

holding her and protecting her and teaching her

of his love and the love of Christ.

I pray that she continues to live a life of thanksgiving and remembering He

saved her life that day in March and she should live as if

she's a miracle because she is one.

Happy Birthday Chandler-Mae Grayce White 

We love you to the moon and back and a bushel and a peck...

2013

The Dogwoods Are In Bloom

The dogwood tree stands, arms stretching over the small grave where Williams body lays. I know the bones beneath the dirt are just that, bones, bones of my flesh but as the dogwood blooms it brings about a mental reminder of the season two years ago.
The dogwoods were also in bloom the days before I laid Williams body in the dirt of our farm. The fertile ground that has harvested life and food now holds a tender piece of my heart, forever.
I walk the path, pass his grave, almost every single day and I never tire of just sitting and remembering the tiny boy I call William.

Can all this pain really add up to something useful to bringing Glory to God?
Will I ever get to the point where I don't want to cry when I set an extra place at our table and I think William could be here? Will I always have to remind myself that William is sitting at a far bigger table than mine?

If I could change the ending to our story, would I?

Or will I continue to walk out the ending He chose for me? Really walk it out and be thankful while walking through the dogwoods? Remembering the gifts even when I can't see the gift giver? I will walk this story, being thankful that the little boy I only knew through kicks and hiccups was born to me and handed to me wrapped in a blue blanket still and without life. His little boy face reminding me so much of his brothers before him.
The Lord stood at the end of my bed that morning and said "William, come forth" and he did.

Be Thankful for that?


Yes, Thankful.
Thankful that God allowed me the privilege of being Williams mother.

Some women never get to be a mother or feel life inside of them. Some women never feel the kicks of their unborn babes. I got to hold William for 30 weeks and as my belly grew bigger I would rub and talk to him and share so much love with him.
He made his farewell being covered in his mothers love, I assure you.
Well prayed for and well loved.

I still see his tiny frame and his features I could out line in my memory until the day I die.
A mother never forgets their own child. I have placed his picture wrapped in that blue blanket next to all the other children in our foyer and I acknowledge his presence in our life. I acknowledge that I'm his mom.


I remember to be Thankful for the days I carried him.
I remember to be Thankful for the days after when God carried us.

Yes, the dogwoods are in bloom and they continue to be a gentle reminder
that I can trust a gentle Savior who knows all endings to all of our stories and
I can trust even when I don't understand the story tellers ending.


William Charlie White, March 25th 2009

Posted from archives

Rediscovering

My blog entries have been few but that doesn't mean there has not been a lot going on in my home, or my heart for that matter. I have been very busy just trying to transition into this new stage of my life. It's harder than I could have ever imagined and then it's more beautiful than I could have ever prayed for. It says in scripture that God bottles our tears and well, I bet He's having to scoot some stuff over to make room for my bottled up tears....all the while busy catching the rest of them.

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

 I wonder where they all come from. I mean I'm certainly a passionate person, mama, wife and friend...but this seems different, if even a little ridiculous for me. I knew they were there, like a volcano under the beautiful blue skies, my raw emotions of motherhood and wife hood....and this being the first time in 20 years that I've come up for air, they are starting to show themselves.
Breathing in and breathing out and looking around at the changes that each breath brings. My house staying a little cleaner these days and my grocery money going a little further because I push my buggy right through the diaper aisle. Everyone in my house sleeping all night, a little girl learning to read and reading every book she can get her hands on. Counting to 100 and wanting to know if you want to hear her do it. Sure, it's cute the first time and I'm smiling and tapping the steering wheel but I have to admit when she gets to 67 or so it's not quite as precious, and when she's finished she says in the sweetest 6 year old voice ever, the one that comes with missing teeth, "you want me to do it again?" 
"Oh no honey, you take a break! That was awesome though and you're growing up so...."
 and those words are true. 

It could be that Joe started this avalanche of tears. He's finally speaking. I know, strange for you to hear, but for us it's a miracle. Since his adoption five years ago the words have not come. After pleading and countless hours of coaxing he just couldn't or wouldn't. So somewhere deep in me, I knew that he would be my "one", the one that would be with me forever. I'm so thankful that I can amuse my Father, because in the span of six months my prayers that have flooded the throne room have been answered. 

Joe has started talking, telling us things that have been locked up for years now. His words are beautiful and his voice like the sweetest fragrance to my ears. 
                                                    "I love you mom." 
Oh, Joe, I have waited so very long for you to cross this bridge....I never expected my children to have any "issues" and when they do you grieve for them in ways you can't explain. Why do some kids have it so easy and others have a harder go at it? I don't know but I tell you when those kids who have it harder make accomplishments you shout to the Lord with tears of gratefulness. Joe is reading and writing and since his words have been found and spoken he's just plain funny. He's a joy that you can't find just any where.

He is fascinated with animals and live things that you find in the bricks of the house..lizards...He is the best brother. I watch him when he doesn't know I'm watching and he does the sweetest things like seeing someones shoestrings untied and bending a knee to tie it for them. He feeds a baby without being told and helps them peel back the paper from a cupcake. He is as tough as a rusty nail. If this kid is crying I know something is wrong. He's bleeding and it's bad...because he's just made different. His pain tolerance is higher than all my American kids put together. When Joe looses a tooth he just simply hands it to you..no week long wiggling, pushing, tears...he's not dramatic and he's very calm when everyone else around him gets emotional. Joe is not moved. It's amazing to me after everything this little guy has been through to see what the Lord has done in his life...People walk by him and don't realize they just walked by one of the most amazing people in the world. Don't walk by Joe...He's fascinating and he's kind hearted and I believe God saved his life.     

This man is half responsible for the unlocking of tears. We went to a marriage conference six weeks ago. The first time in years we've had time to work on "us" again. We've never been in a bad place just overwhelmed with the responsibilities before us and so we always put our marriage last because, to be honest, being parents took both of us 24/7...I know, all the books say put your marriage first and then everything else will be beautiful and healthy......we didn't do that part so well. 


We have always parented first. I guess because I had such a horrible childhood and so I was kind of in overdrive to make sure my kids had a great one and then Scott and I just lived off the fumes of love...We did okay until we realized recently what we had done. We never went on dates and we just got in this habit or routine if you will...the conference changed all of that for us. We had a true "come to Jesus" meeting.....we knew with the combination of our children growing up and how little time we spent together that if we didn't do something we would be one of those couples that sat silently through a meal not having much to talk about except children.... and well if you know me at all..you know that part is not entirely true but you get the point. We made some changes, we prayed and asked the Lord to forgive us and then we asked Him to change us. We decided to have date nights and daily reading time in scripture and in marriage books. We would choose to be more intentional with our marriage and I had realized that I kept so many of my thoughts and emotions from Scott because I thought I was being silly....wrong move..a marriage is the most intimate relationship besides my relationship with my heavenly Father. I knew I had to change from 100% mother to more wife and friend to my husband. So during our marriage conference we went to dinners and talked and I started crying and since then the tears have not stopped. I truly believe that society has told us how tough we are and how we can juggle a job, family, faith and friends with ease but I believe it's a lie. We were created to be a woman with emotions....and I had been on the job of motherhood for so long that when I came back to my calling as help meet, I was overwhelmed...but overwhelmed with joy. During our conference they suggested that each couple take a vision retreat. You go away for four to five days and you have a book to complete the first half of the day and the questions are hard.

They really get you thinking. We were stuck on one question for three hours. Then the rest of the day you have to go and have fun together. We took an 8 mile hike in a local state park. I wanted to quit but Scott kept saying, "we are not quitting". I remember being out there in the woods with just him and his encouragement and thinking to myself, I so need him. We laughed and hugged, walked until we were  exhausted and when we finally made it to the falls, I was glad he didn't let me stop. I realize now more than ever I had stopped getting to know him. This precious man whom I get to grow old with..I'm so thankful the Lord reminded us gently to hold tightly to each other. 
Our household is in major transition for several reasons, and I honestly could not do it without him. He is my encourager and best friend and the key holder to my most sacred thoughts and I love him for that. The way he encouraged me on the trail is the way he encourages me everyday and I just didn't listen very well. I'm glad we're back on the track the Lord intended for us.

The Lord is so gracious and I'm so thankful to Him for helping me rediscover my first calling.



          

living while

Living while....

climbing rocks, uncertain where your hands go but going anyway

Living while....

climbing all the way to the top just for fun

Living while....

sharing our space with a special little boy whom we love dearly

Living while...

there are clothes to be washed and put up

Living while.... 

the sun is out and bright making memories with the ones who

love you, laugh with you..and love you back

living while....

building bonds with your brother

Living while there's time to live.

2013 memory lane

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My well

 Some days its hard giving everything I have to keep everyone happy, fed, and clothed.

I get overwhelmed at times with the vastness of the responsibility before me.

Breathing God's word into their life. Giving them water when my well feels

dry as a bone.

The water comes but some days just in trickles. Just enough.

God never promised me more than that. Just enough for the day, for the moment

 Is all He promised. I take a breath and look into my well and I can see

the  bottom. Oh Lord, I'm not supposed to see the bottom. It's muddy

and cloudy. It is bitter and luke-warm.

I dig deeper. 

I mess up. I grab my bucket and dip more water from my very small

well and pray that it's enough for them today. It never is.

Husband, and 8 children all needing what the Lord has given to me

as a wife and mother to hand out. My love and understanding, teaching them

to love one another, teaching them to understand grace and mercy.

My bucket runs dry. It comes up out of my well

bone dry, no water. On this day I have nothing. I can't give to them

because I have nothing to give.

My bucket is always being tipped and the water spilling out onto them and spilling

out onto the dry parched earth that soaks it up. How much did they get?

 I'm always going to Him saying, "Lord, I have nothing else to give.

I feel empty, used up. I need my well to be deeper."

He gives.

Oh, He gives anew every single day. Some days He gives in abundance

and other days He gives me just enough to get through. At the end of the day

I'm saying, "well, it wasn't pretty but we made it through." Other days

we are standing soaking wet with God's faucet turned all the way on

and we're dancing in His water.

I realize that it's not important how deep my well is.

I have a heavenly Father who's well is overflowing with

clean, pure, abundant water and He tells me to come

and drink it. He tells me to give it to others who are thirsty.

Lord, help me not look into my own well today and see a sloppy

muddy mess or look in and see the dust.

Let me always go and kneel at your well and plead for your water.

The water that is overflowing.

Your perfect water..that covers me when I have nothing. 

revisting the past
from 2011