Rediscovering

My blog entries have been few but that doesn't mean there has not been a lot going on in my home, or my heart for that matter. I have been very busy just trying to transition into this new stage of my life. It's harder than I could have ever imagined and then it's more beautiful than I could have ever prayed for. It says in scripture that God bottles our tears and well, I bet He's having to scoot some stuff over to make room for my bottled up tears....all the while busy catching the rest of them.

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

 I wonder where they all come from. I mean I'm certainly a passionate person, mama, wife and friend...but this seems different, if even a little ridiculous for me. I knew they were there, like a volcano under the beautiful blue skies, my raw emotions of motherhood and wife hood....and this being the first time in 20 years that I've come up for air, they are starting to show themselves.
Breathing in and breathing out and looking around at the changes that each breath brings. My house staying a little cleaner these days and my grocery money going a little further because I push my buggy right through the diaper aisle. Everyone in my house sleeping all night, a little girl learning to read and reading every book she can get her hands on. Counting to 100 and wanting to know if you want to hear her do it. Sure, it's cute the first time and I'm smiling and tapping the steering wheel but I have to admit when she gets to 67 or so it's not quite as precious, and when she's finished she says in the sweetest 6 year old voice ever, the one that comes with missing teeth, "you want me to do it again?" 
"Oh no honey, you take a break! That was awesome though and you're growing up so...."
 and those words are true. 

It could be that Joe started this avalanche of tears. He's finally speaking. I know, strange for you to hear, but for us it's a miracle. Since his adoption five years ago the words have not come. After pleading and countless hours of coaxing he just couldn't or wouldn't. So somewhere deep in me, I knew that he would be my "one", the one that would be with me forever. I'm so thankful that I can amuse my Father, because in the span of six months my prayers that have flooded the throne room have been answered. 

Joe has started talking, telling us things that have been locked up for years now. His words are beautiful and his voice like the sweetest fragrance to my ears. 
                                                    "I love you mom." 
Oh, Joe, I have waited so very long for you to cross this bridge....I never expected my children to have any "issues" and when they do you grieve for them in ways you can't explain. Why do some kids have it so easy and others have a harder go at it? I don't know but I tell you when those kids who have it harder make accomplishments you shout to the Lord with tears of gratefulness. Joe is reading and writing and since his words have been found and spoken he's just plain funny. He's a joy that you can't find just any where.

He is fascinated with animals and live things that you find in the bricks of the house..lizards...He is the best brother. I watch him when he doesn't know I'm watching and he does the sweetest things like seeing someones shoestrings untied and bending a knee to tie it for them. He feeds a baby without being told and helps them peel back the paper from a cupcake. He is as tough as a rusty nail. If this kid is crying I know something is wrong. He's bleeding and it's bad...because he's just made different. His pain tolerance is higher than all my American kids put together. When Joe looses a tooth he just simply hands it to you..no week long wiggling, pushing, tears...he's not dramatic and he's very calm when everyone else around him gets emotional. Joe is not moved. It's amazing to me after everything this little guy has been through to see what the Lord has done in his life...People walk by him and don't realize they just walked by one of the most amazing people in the world. Don't walk by Joe...He's fascinating and he's kind hearted and I believe God saved his life.     

This man is half responsible for the unlocking of tears. We went to a marriage conference six weeks ago. The first time in years we've had time to work on "us" again. We've never been in a bad place just overwhelmed with the responsibilities before us and so we always put our marriage last because, to be honest, being parents took both of us 24/7...I know, all the books say put your marriage first and then everything else will be beautiful and healthy......we didn't do that part so well. 


We have always parented first. I guess because I had such a horrible childhood and so I was kind of in overdrive to make sure my kids had a great one and then Scott and I just lived off the fumes of love...We did okay until we realized recently what we had done. We never went on dates and we just got in this habit or routine if you will...the conference changed all of that for us. We had a true "come to Jesus" meeting.....we knew with the combination of our children growing up and how little time we spent together that if we didn't do something we would be one of those couples that sat silently through a meal not having much to talk about except children.... and well if you know me at all..you know that part is not entirely true but you get the point. We made some changes, we prayed and asked the Lord to forgive us and then we asked Him to change us. We decided to have date nights and daily reading time in scripture and in marriage books. We would choose to be more intentional with our marriage and I had realized that I kept so many of my thoughts and emotions from Scott because I thought I was being silly....wrong move..a marriage is the most intimate relationship besides my relationship with my heavenly Father. I knew I had to change from 100% mother to more wife and friend to my husband. So during our marriage conference we went to dinners and talked and I started crying and since then the tears have not stopped. I truly believe that society has told us how tough we are and how we can juggle a job, family, faith and friends with ease but I believe it's a lie. We were created to be a woman with emotions....and I had been on the job of motherhood for so long that when I came back to my calling as help meet, I was overwhelmed...but overwhelmed with joy. During our conference they suggested that each couple take a vision retreat. You go away for four to five days and you have a book to complete the first half of the day and the questions are hard.

They really get you thinking. We were stuck on one question for three hours. Then the rest of the day you have to go and have fun together. We took an 8 mile hike in a local state park. I wanted to quit but Scott kept saying, "we are not quitting". I remember being out there in the woods with just him and his encouragement and thinking to myself, I so need him. We laughed and hugged, walked until we were  exhausted and when we finally made it to the falls, I was glad he didn't let me stop. I realize now more than ever I had stopped getting to know him. This precious man whom I get to grow old with..I'm so thankful the Lord reminded us gently to hold tightly to each other. 
Our household is in major transition for several reasons, and I honestly could not do it without him. He is my encourager and best friend and the key holder to my most sacred thoughts and I love him for that. The way he encouraged me on the trail is the way he encourages me everyday and I just didn't listen very well. I'm glad we're back on the track the Lord intended for us.

The Lord is so gracious and I'm so thankful to Him for helping me rediscover my first calling.