my hole

and the rain came and washed everything new again.

When their wet bodies were screaming and laughing and clean

from the downpour I realized that they had grown.

The tiny drops of wetness had cleared the dust away to open my eyes

and remind me that when the blankets of winter are taken off they revealed

growth. Growth in myself and much growth in my gangly children.

 The busyness of cooking and cleaning and taking care of the needs of this farm

try to steal away moments from me. Big moments or little moments..they're my moments to steal and I refuse to let go.

 I find it harder to keep focused on the most important.

 The little day to day smiles or hugs. 

The tiny footprints that leave a trail that I should be following.

  The bigger always making you feel so little. 

Torn between the task and the moment.

I want the moment

I remember when I was having William and they moved me into this huge room that could have held three mourning pregnant women but I was pushed into that room so vast and I remember thinking, I just want a hole.

 A small hole to curl up in and be able to calm my thoughts and hear His voice and yet no one stops and thinks that one who is empty needs a small space so that it doesn't take much to fill that emptiness. 

Our world needing to be downsized so we're not afraid to look around.

We know that all the important things will get done if we downsize.

Sometimes when this huge world calls and you start looking around

at how much space there is to fill you need a hole. You need to go back home

and keep life simple. You need to be able to see the beauty that is around you not try and find beauty in a BIG world where you feel so small.    

 I'm staying closer to my husband lately. I don't know how we got to this new intimate place of me needing him more and more. I guess it's the marriage conferences and the eating out at our favorite restaurant every week. Sitting at our favorite booth and ordering the same food and holding hands and praying over our little part of this big world. Him coming home early because he doesn't want to be away from us. Spending more hours than ever just soaking him in and enjoying my role as his wife. I hear the stories and see the couples who are not making it and it makes me cling tighter to him. How did we make it? How did we come out stronger after 21 years? How come I'm more in love with him now than 10 years ago? We're just a couple. We have problems and we have lots of distractions to keep us away from each other.

 The answer: we created a hole. A small space we could function in and keep the world out.

  We made our personal world smaller. We took out all of the junk and left only the little small space that wasn't hard to fill. The world tries to pull you in. Sports, church events, problems, cell phones, computers, and every other good thing calls out to you and calls out to your children. We realized that we couldn't do it all nor did we want to. If we're going to be remembered for something then let it be said we were lovers of Christ, faithful to each other and our role as parents. Anything that distracted us from that was wrote down and determined if it was worth keeping.

We just stopped the noise.

We stopped cluttering up our small world.

We stopped the difficult people from being able to speak into our family.

We all know we have difficult people that make your world seem huge and confusing. 

 our hole is perfect for us. We're able to train up the way in which our children should go..a promise to us by our Father.

We're able to be faithful to each other and to the beautiful children the Lord has

asked us to raise. We are on the verge of letting two of those arrows go. I pray that they launch far out into the eternal world, and on that broad ocean their soul triumphs over evils. 

I pray they never forget their time here and the laughter that echoed down this little hollow. The trampoline and rain baths. The big dinners and candle light.

The bright bouquets of flowers in the middle of the table from the yard. The days spent laying on towels listening to music and sliding down slides and swinging on swings. The times we've spent falling asleep only to awaken to daddy picking everyone up and slowly putting everyone to bed. The sickness we all shared and health that made us grateful. 

My little hole has been a place of calm and peace for our family

and I'm so thankful for it's little shelter and protection.

The pinky promise has been broken

Be at rest once more oh my soul for the Lord has been good to you.

Be at rest.. such a small word but one that eludes me as of late. I have so much to be thankful for this month, of all months. It has kept me praising His name for all of the goodness in my life. Taylor celebrated her 20th birthday and with John by her side she blew 20 candles out on her cake. My soul wanted to run. My tears wanted to fall for the little girl that I have watched blow candles out over the past 20 years. The little girl that opens each gift without ripping paper. The little girl that I have shared 20 birthday cakes with and the ice-cream to go with it. Yeah, that little girl has grown up even though when she was five she pinky promised me she wouldn't. I knew when I made her make that promise that she would never keep it but here I sit looking at her and truly wondering where it all went.

All that time I thought I had.

and then five days later my soul aching under the realization that my baby boy turned 18. The little boy he used to be just a memory as he is now a man.

I have watched him turn into this amazing guy and I'm so thankful for the gifts that the Lord has given to him. The little boy who used to dress up like batman and run around the house saying, 'Mama, you're the best mama in the whole world".

I didn't miss it. I was here for every first step and every milestone. His first hair-cut and his first words as he learned to read, the first time he road his bike and learned to swim and yet my mind can't find enough of the memories to satisfy me.  

My world changing and along with the birthdays came this young man, John.

He has been an answered prayer in our life. 

You know, the prayer that is written in every journal since she was born.

That guy who would love her and her crazy family. 

They have been courting and I'm truly amazed at what the Lord has done. He has brought into our life a humble young man who loves the Lord and loves the girls crazy family..oh, and he might love the girl as well;)

He is one of the most thoughtful young men I have ever been around.

He opens doors and will make you sea sick if you're sitting at a table with him and Taylor gets up and down a lot. My head goes up and down just watching him. He stands when she sits and he stands when she gets up.

 I'm like, "Taylor don't get up again...poor John will not be able to walk tomorrow".

She smiles that goofy grin at me..and our eyes meet and I know what she's thinking. She's waited her whole life to give me that look and I didn't miss it.

Courting is a family affair. It's not strange like a lot of people make it out to be.

It's quite fun for me, actually.

  Everyone around here has her/his opinions and well, John has made it to the top of the A list with everyone.

He has intentionally made time with each child and with me and Scott. 

There's that word intentional.... with a purpose.

We intentionally call and text John all during the week to pray for him

or to check in with him. They rarely go places alone and there is always a couple of six kids fighting for the chance to ride with the two of them.

Do we do that because we don't trust them?

No, we do that because we are intentionally going to pass our daughter to a man who has strong morals and believes that dating the worlds way isn't working for most people.

  

 He has drove the three hour drive from Auburn more times than I can count to stay in our little house on the hill, to spend hours with our family. Cooking, watching movies, going out to dinner, going to church almost every Sunday, helping wash dishes, reading bedtime stories, celebrating birthdays, walks in the park and helping put our pigs up. You find out a lot about them when it's pig time...

 We have prayed together and hearing the tender words of thankfulness from him thanking God for our family makes my soul sing for joy for him.

    

He sends each child a birthday box and in it filled with things they would love and a card telling them why he loves them and why they are special to him.

He never tires of bed time stories with the little girls or holding Channie for hours on end at church. He sits right in the middle of our big ol' crew at church and smiles as if he was made for such a thing. 

I believe he was.

The good always comes with the change.

Change is inevitable but I'm not good at it.

I'm sorry to disappoint anyone out there but I like routine.

I like bedtime routines and home school days that run together in a blur. 

I love looking for shoes and finding them in crazy places.

I love my front yard and the little patch of dirt that is a reminder of how long they have been swinging under that tree.

I like setting my table and lighting my lanterns and watching their feet dangle

underneath.

.....but the pinkie promise has been broken and her feet don't dangle anymore and he doesn't run around as batman. 

So, as I get used to this change in my life I've been doing a lot of crying.

Yep, good old bawl days and trying not to burden friends with my growing pains.     

I love the Lord and I love what He is doing in our family.

I trust Him and I trust the new work that I'm having to do.

He reminds me that their growing up has been a result of me doing my job. 

Now, I must finish up my work and shut down office for these two.

I know I sound dramatic and, believe me, I am very dramatic, but this season comes with a bitter sweetness that I'm slowly getting used to.

I know you're tired and there are days when you just want the clock to say bedtime but can I tell you that I have moved bedtime so I get an extra hour with them.....and they don't keep their pinky promises.

So, this is my life lately..all the change drawing me closer to Him.

May 2013